Greens: A Definitive Ranking

Yeah yeah, I'm bad at posting regularly. When I feel like uploading photos and telling tales I will, okay?

Geez.

So I've spent the past month running and working out and doing stuff and running and working and working out and running and running and running. It rocks. However, this increase in activity has made me hungry like... ALL THE TIME. I mean, before it was bad because I have a tremendous capacity for consuming food. But now we couple a tremendous capacity for consuming food with a propensity to spend long periods of time doing high-calorie-burning activities and my appetite is rolling like a hipster on a bicycle. I think that half of the text messages I sent last night were about how badly I wanted ice cream or tacos, despite the three-bean chili, brown rice, and PB-and-banana smoothie I had killed 1 hour prior. I have been revisiting a rule I kept while I was training for my last race season: YOU CAN EAT AS MUCH GREEN SHIT AS YOU WANT, WHENEVER YOU WANT IT.

Broccoli before bed? Totally.

Green beans mid-morning? Hell yes. 

Mindless celery consumption? Duh.

Pre-workout peppers? Definitely. 

There's been so much going into my mouth one would swear I was a porn star. 

My excess veggie-consumption has led to three main side-effects:

1. Perpetual eating with little to no self-hatred or guilt involved. 

2. My poops are fantastic. Bathroom trips are bliss. 

3. I have a damn-near encyclopedic knowledge of green leafies. 

And so I present to you, in two categories: Cooked and Raw, a definitive ranking of greens from worst to best. May it well-inform your kitchen time and revive your love for everything you hated as a child. 

COOKED

9. Spinach - Spinach is amazing, but it wilts super easily, making cooking it a breeze. By far the best green to toss in with eggs, but unless its paired with something fatty or blanched to perfection, cooked spinach often gets a really unpleasant astringent flavor. Meh. 

8. Beet Greens - delicious bitter taste, but they don't stay fresh very long, and it dyes things a weird shade of light pink. 

7. Mustard Greens - blanch to mellow out the flavor, saute with horseradish for a whole lotta sinus action. 

6. Turnip Greens - Not as vitamin-packed as other greens. Pretty mild in flavor. Kind of a duller cooking green. 

5. Cabbage - When not cooked, cabbage contains certain chemical compounds (thiocyanate) that are goitrogenic - they suppress the natural function of the thyroid gland, interfering with iodine uptake. In order to break down this chemical prior to ingestion, cook it! Just don't do that cabbage soup diet shit. You'll just fart all day. Don't hang out near me. 

4. Collard Greens - Can't really be eaten raw, but stewed up properly is delightful. Traditional in Southern Cooking, these guys are best braised in fat. Delicious, porky fat. 

3. Rainbow Chard - Swiss chard, red chard, golden chard, go chard yourself. The ribs take forever to cook and are best removed prior to saute, which gets tiring. Not as good as kale, but it comes in lots of pretty colors. 

2. Sweet Potato Greens - So Good. Light and a little sweet in flavor, these are best cooked, however, because they aren't as astringent as kale or chard, they steam well and can be eaten plainly with a dash of salt, pepper, and some caramelized onion to enhance the sweet flavor. 

1. Kale - What's up Vitamin K.  Kale is super-trendy. But it's also reasonably tasty and easy to do things with. Braise with shallots in low-sodium chicken broth with a dash of apple cider vinegar, black and red pepper for a hearty, cold-weather side dish. Serve with sausage and crusty multigrain to use as a main course.

RAW

16. Frisee - It sucks. No one likes it. You pick it out of a good salad. They're like weird grassy balls that can't get their shit together and enjoy being choked down because one chef at some point thought, "Oh, that's pretty! We can add this crap to add volume to the salad!". Frisee is terrible.

15. Iceberg - You might as well drink water. There is no nutritional value here. 

14. Romaine - (A.K.A. Cos) High in water content and crunch, I've seen grilled romaine, I just don't get it. Not that high in nutrients, so it doesn't do much for you unless you have a cellulose fetish. Caesars are tasty, but otherwise don't bother.

13. Cabbage - If you don't have any symptoms of thyroid function, go raw! Red cabbage is my favorite, and cole slaw can be a thing of beauty. 

12. Red/Green Leaf Lettuce - As seen in the "Mixed greens" blend. Can you say "Bland"?

11. Escarole - A.K.A. Bigger endive. It's a bit bitter, and not my preference. 

10. Kale - Raw kale totally needs major ribs cut out, it needs to be well-cleaned, and it also is best massaged with a bit of olive oil in order to tenderize it. Fuck that shit. Why would you want to eat a green that's such a diva that you need to MASSAGE IT in order to get it to perform?!? Oh yeah. It'll make you live forever. Eh. Trade off.  

9. Dandelion Greens - Meh. Too bitter. Also, it's just weeds. Why? There's a reason why it's typically served with creamy cheeses, bacon, and egg yolks... it needs extra-fattiness to taste okay. 

8. Mesclun - (A.K.A. Mixed Young Greens) Typically means pre-mixed young greens. Often means arugula, frisee (THE DEVIL!!), radicchio (for color),  and young red/green leaf lettuce leaves. 

7. Radicchio - Bright red and bitter and spicy! It's more for looks than anything. A Radicchio-heavy salad needs a sweeter dressing.

6. Pea Greens - Higher in Vitamin C than like... anything except Strawberries. The shame here is that it doesn't pair super-well with iron rich foods.

5. Butterhead lettuce - (a.k.a. Bibb or Boston) superior to Romaine in texture, Butterhead lettuce leaves tend to be less rigid in consistency, making them work particularly well for lettuce wraps. 

4. Watercress - So high in antioxidants that it actually prevents free radical damage on your body that might take place during exercise. Its tangy flavor lends itself well to use in sandwiches. 

3. Baby Kale - Totally valid salad green selection. These pair well with fruit-driven dressings. Accent with almonds and goat cheese. Unlike it's fully-grown mother, baby kale has a similar nutrient profile, but because of its lack of maturity, no massage required. 

2. Arugula - Peppery and yummy. Doesn't cook well. The lettuce of choice for a BLT. Beats the shit out of romaine any day. 

1. Spinach - Pretty much the best thing ever. Super mild. High in vitamins. It makes an ideal salad, and since there's no flavor sacrifice, trading standard lettuce for nutrient-dense spinach is a clear choice. Also, swap spinach anywhere you might put lettuce. Put it on a burger instead of a generic green leaf. Add it to tacos - it tastes the same.